Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
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I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
be right there i have to get my cape
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
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