I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
I could have mohawked her pubes.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
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