i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
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