Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
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