You don't have asthma, your pregnant
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Sorry my hands just texted you
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
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