You're a womanizer and a bitch.
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
