Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
