And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
