this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
