When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
Randomize
