i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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