mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
