You surviving the open bar?
Super asto ex polenta omaha botad
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
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