I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
Randomize
