just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
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