i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
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