Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
