I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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