Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Randomize
