Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Randomize
