woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
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