I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
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