my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
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