Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I've already planned a drinking game for mtvs jersey shore....jagerbomb everytime they do
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
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