I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
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