I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
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