my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
He? As in you personified your dick?
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
