i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
Randomize
