Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
please come you make the beer taste better
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
