I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Randomize
