nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Randomize
