Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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