My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
I wish my penis had an off switch
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
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