I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
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