In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
You Wouldn’t Guess That These 25 Celebrities Are Complete A**holes
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
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I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.