I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.