having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.