I'm going to jail i love you
Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
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