Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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