just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
