Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Randomize
