I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
