This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
as a side note pls kill me
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Randomize
