I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Randomize
