Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
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You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
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In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
Holy shit dude........stairs
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