He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
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