I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
i was like the pretty and slutty 8th grade girl who goes to a party, gets wasted, and ends up having sex with a senoir
details?
alcohol + bed + penis = sex
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Randomize
