the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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