Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Randomize
