It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
It's official drugs can't kill me
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
I can't put those talents on a resume
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
