moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
And the cops told us we were all naked.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Randomize
