so thats when we found her crawling hands and knees up first street singing hold me closer tony danza as loud as she could
did she say where she was going
apparently she thought she was on morton hill and was trying to go back to the bars
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
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