Kiss
Puke
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
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You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
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