I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
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