when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
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