he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Randomize
